September 2, 2010

Fortune Favors The Brave

Today in the subsection D break room, Brad from the Shipping Department told me Teenwolf (Inside Sales pariah) had been trying to “start some static”. Basically, Brad is an acolyte of the Octagon. Homeboy loves Mixed Martial Arts fighting and the training that accompanies it. He tested the lowest body fat percentage last Spring and could be described as being in cyborgishly optimum shape. Apparently, Teenwolf said that although Brad is in great shape, “ride” shape and “overall” shape are very different and that there isn’t a snowball’s chance Brad could complete the century Teenwolf and his cross country ride stooges were planning for Saturday morning. Brad disagreed vociferously and said that his fitness level would be more than adequate for 100 miles on the bike. This was where I found Brad’s mindset in the break room, ruminating about the possibility of doing a century ride with little to no bike riding in his legs. I went over the pros and cons with him. Pros: he was in good shape and had Teenwolf’s doubt as motivation. Cons? Cramping, saddle sores, fatigue and mental exhaustion. But then I asked him, “When was the last time you really challenged yourself? When was the last time you could look Ole Bloggy in the eye and not feel shame? This could be huge man! Huge I tell you!” as Geoff hovering in the background told him it was a bad idea and that I was mentally deranged. While it is true, that I am mentally deranged, I think this ride will do Brad some good. So what if he’s never ridden in clipless pedals? After the first few falls, his nerves will be steeled against any of the 9 or 10 thousand other dangers that await him on the circuitous lake route. He shall be astride his trusted Soma, which is steel, which won’t crack after one of Tony’s erratic lane shifts sends Brad into a ditch. Basically, Brad must do this ride to beat Teenwolf. It’s not a race, but just finishing it will be some sort of victory he/I can use to taunt Teenwolf for weeks to come until our voices are horse and our barbs ineffective and meaningless. Good luck Brad! Do not fail us.

Brad’s trusty steed, Perses…

July 28, 2010

Guest Post From “The Belligerent Old Coot”

I’m so sick of readin’. Tarnation! Words, words, words, blah blah blah. Who gives a lick? Makes my dang eyes hurt! Paper cuts, ink splotches, weird odors, young people. Books are plain ole dumb. You ever try readin’ “Ulysses”? Just a bunch o’ gibberish, like somebody done sat on the bus and transcribed six different conversations at once. Don’t make no sense. But wait, what is THIS? “Fancy cycling”??? Whoooo doggy! Finally, a reason to NOT gouge my eyes out and any reason to avoid a gougin’ is good enough for this old dog. It appears that in 1901, some jobless, left wing hayseed got the fine idea to write a BOOK about trick riding bicycles. I hate tricks and them bicycles, but anything that predates them Rapha tweed ridin’ jackets by 100 years AND those long haired hippy fixed gear DVDs has gotta be worth somethin’! Anyway, this stupid book has been outta print since 1901 and let’s hope it stays that way. And yet, I can’t stifle that smidgen of curioisty I have about it, like the first time Daddy took me to the snake handlin’ and got bit in the throat… by grandpa. So after a 7 second Google searchin’, I came upon the book presented page by page by one of them left wing college types who think they better than me! I’m so old and cooty, blech! Where’s my pillow? I need a coot nap! Before I get to sleepin’: For the seated gentleman, follow these detailed instructions:

“Mount in usual manner for backward riding.” Check.

“Let the body rise with rising pedal and sit upon the handlebar.” Check.

“When quite steady, fold the arms.” Check.

“Maintain B-Boy stance for respect and/or props” Never.

OK everybody, that was a wonderful guest post from “The Belligerent Old Coot”. Isn’t he charming? He’s soooo old and belligerent and that’s what’s funny right? Perhaps, or the fact he’s dying of Rocky Mountain spotted hobo gout? I can’t be sure, but one thing I can be sure about is the obvious importance at the turn of the 20th century for assuming the B-Boy stance to signify maximum relaxation. They sure knew how to chill back then. “Spanish American War? Pfft, I’m chillin!” Sadly, inside sales power broker Tony Zanca won’t have any time for chilling on his Transcontinental Bicycle Journey To The Center Of The Earth. From the looks of it, Tony has about a month in the saddle. Egads. He graciously provided The Blog a faded, photocopied map of his journey which follows the pre-established Adventure Cycling Association route. Starting in San Francisco, Tony and his cycling chums ride through Nevada, Utah, Colorado, Kansas, Missouri, Illinois, Kentucky and Virginia. Follow the trials and tribulations on Crossover The Country. Here is the current route in addition to Teenwolf’s original, egocentric route: Just so this post isn’t too negative (or more negative than usual), here is a lovely bit of handmade loveliness culled from the Gita feed. A Pegoretti! Although a Cane Creek 110 (HEAD30493) would’ve looked soooooooo much better! Maybe next time?