Tagged: Commuting

Bike To Work Rally Photo Bomb: During Ride Excellence

A toddler in a baby trailer equates to “nobody is going to make an unsafe pass on these two” and consequently, “babies are somewhat lazy”

Hello there.

Lost in a miasmatic cloud of rumination, El Jefe culls through his databanks, searching for a tasty new nugget of distributionarial insight.

Inspiration achieved, he dances on his pedals and unleashes attack after attack upon a hapless peloton. “Stick to my wheel or I take your desk chairs away for 6 weeks!!!” Many are shed, many are shelled, some are tickled.

Bonnie attempts to maintain contact with the peloton up Mont Gilbert. The team director car is nowhere to be seen and the broom wagon looms ominously in the corner of her eye. It is safe to say, Bonnie’s contract is in jeopardy for next season.

At the ends of their collective rope, Tony (inside grumbling, sales miscreant) and J-Town counterattack the peloton only to see their efforts neutralized by a fat guy on a Vespa.

Tony’s musette bag, scavenged from the flaming body of a dead hobo discovered in a ditch… on the way to the ride. Seriously, can our friends at Chrome get this guy something that doesn’t smell like Robert Parish’s high tops? Or at least smell like Danny Ainge’s high tops?

Last climb of the day. With the peloton in shreds and the support vehicles abandoned and left for the C.H.U.D.S, the police officers take control… BY GETTIN’ THE HECK OUTTA THERE (just kidding ya’ll)

See the rider in the bright red shirt? The one on the far right? Astride the gold bike? No idea who he is but he’s still got my wallet. El Hefe’s words, not mine!

Right to left, Rachael, Zebulon, Cragnor The Face Mangler, T-76 and His Eminence…

Left to right: Matthew (Product manager, functionally illiterate), Doug (new sales customer service coordinator, born without a last name as is the custom with the Yaqui indians), Megan (new product manager, roller derby zealot), Tony Stone (goon), Jose (mega-goon), Carmen (Product manager, Jose’s sweetie pie) and Zach (Hawley).

JoAn (HR, far right) pedals furiously to catch Ben to yell at him for screwing up his timecard, yet again.

Matt Church (accounting thaumaturge) coasts the entire route using the unconditional love of a good woman to power him up the climbs.

Sensing great power, J-Town tries to jump into Matt’s psychic slipstream. Matt big rings the parasite into the netherworld.

We lost three riders who accidentally took the on-ramp to Interstate 20, never to be seen agaaaaaaaaain. Happy Halloween!

 

Bike To Work Rally Photo Bomb: Pre-Ride Jitters, Terror Sweats, Anticipation

Teddy bear grasping novelty sized American flag (shipping)…

Sign in table to get the numbers for posterity’s sake, under the watchful eye of Judy (accounting)…

Patrick’s (product manager) twine finishing tape compliments his cork handlebar plugs quite nicely…

Jose (international sales) on his beloved Schwinn and decked out in his much-maligned Hawaiian shirt…

The always dapper J-Town (inventory replenishment)…

The mythical John Leonard (shipping, red helmet, foreground) imparts wisdom, jollity.

Bonnie (administrative juggernaut) readies herself for the futureworld…

Tony Stone (service center manager, beardie) and Palmetto Cycling Coalition honcho Rachael Kefalos…

from port to starboard, the effervescent James (miscellaneous warehouse duties), the perpetually cranky Brian Golden (shipping), the aforementioned John Leonard (strength, wisdom), and Jeanie’s son Brad (shipping)…

Final instructions before the 54 assembled riders barrel into traffic…

(Many thanks to Captain Jerry for some of the above photos)

This Only Gets Me To “Normal”

“Star Wars” cruiser bike. Yes, thats a light saber headlight…

Let’s remember folks, NEXT Friday is Hawley’s Bike To Work Rally. Before that, Columbia is hosting its annual Midlands Ride Of Silence next Wednesday at 7:00 PM. Rendezvous point is 1001 Harden Street, the parking lot for Food Lion and Cycle Center and the route should take us through USC, past the State House and back to 5 Points. After ride meet up is at the venerable El Burrito where the first 50 riders in get a free burrito, courtesy of Palmetto Cycling Coalition. If El Burrito isn’t your scene, you’re more than welcome to join Bloggy. I’ll be digging through the Pawley’s Front Porch dumpster for tasty morsels. Bring sturdy work gloves, a garden trowel and a grain silo full of optimism. With this humid weather, it ain’t gonna be pretty… but dumpster diving never is. Don’t judge me. In other news, today’s ride into work was especially dangerous. My points are through the roof after the motley ensemble of vehicles I encountered. On Old Two Notch, I was buzzed by a dump truck (+6), a semi truck (+6.4), and a van with a trailer (+4.9) caravan-ing together at Mach 2. Luckily the cross tires came in handy as I did a few yards of off-roading as the trio literally blew me off the road. I caught up to them at the light however so I guess their speeding was all for naught. As I rounded through the final turn towards work, I noticed the new bike lane painted onto South Lake Dr. right in front of Hawley! HUZZAH! Perfect timing for Bike To Work Month. Even though I got bullied by some big trucks, the ride this morning was still infinitely better than being trapped in a car AND I got to listen to my newly acquired copy of Black Flag’s “The Complete 1982 Demos” in its entirety (do not listen to music whilst riding in heavy traffic, or in any traffic) although Adam’s newly rekindled interest in dubstep may see my Youngsta Dubstep Allstars playlist uploaded back onto the I-Pod in the near future…

The Offending Trio:

The NEW bike lane paintage with Hawley barely visible in the distance:

Shipping department news alert: Inventory specialist J-Town is attending Cirque Du Soleil this weekend. He’s watched a couple primer videos and is looking forward to his first encounter with the seedy underbelly of Quebecois circus punks. Hopefully we’ll have the details Monday morning. Godspeed J-town. You can borrow my stabbing stick if you need it; Inventory specialist Ben, in the middle of a ping pong thrashing of the graphic department’s Joshie, screamed “Topanga!” After a cursory inquiry, it appears Ben has (willingly) substituted all swears and general exclamations for characters on “Boy Meets World”. I wish I was making this up but I’m not. Topanga indeed Ben, Topanga indeeeeed. Have a frank and productive weekend. By the way, if you’re riding down Wheat Street, looks like they got a new pothole. His name is Pottymouth and he’s looking forward to meeting you:

By the way, if you’re doing the Tour De Midlands charity ride tomorrow, say “hi” to me and Jose. Can’t be sure of Jose’s grumpiness level, but he may slap you in the face.

 

Limp Biscuit

“And Cullinan is pedalin’ with fury!” Straight baller.

Yesterday’s commute into work was slow going. A nasty headwind and a general lack of enthusiasm for everything (known as Gilbertgrapeitism) were weighing me down. My commuter danger points were low and my riding was perfunctory if not mindless. Luckily on Platt Springs, a FORD F-150 (+4.3) helped remedy that. We pulled up to the light next to each other. We both rolled out together on the green and after 15 feet (the F-150 was going quite slow), I noticed a presence in my bike lane.  It was the F-150! He was slowly, but with the grim obstinacy of an out of control luxury liner, barging into my lane. I calmly applied a little brake and steered closer to the right hand side as the F-150 rumbled down Platt Springs. I looked at the rear window and saw a familiar sight to those of us in the dirtiest part of the South. I call it the Carolina Hand Puppet (+1.1).  Basically, it’s a driver with their arm propped up or resting with a biscuit of some sort in their grasp. Silhouetted, it looks eerily similar to a hand puppet, or sock puppet if you so desire. In all seriousness, I am passed by at least three drivers a month who are consuming their biscuit in this fashion and it gives me the willies. I feel no malice towards them. In fact, I envy them. I too would like to eat biscuits on my way to work, but I have a little something called “dignity”. That’s a lie. What little dignity I have left was left on the grass at Hendersonville CX last year, but if I had dignity, I would wait till I got to work and wolf down my bacon, egg and cheese behind the dumpster like a feral, boomerang flinging child. Then I would hiss at my coworkers and grab random objects at hand screaming “mine! mine!” I drew a rough approximation of the Carolina Hand Puppet:

Carolina Hand Puppetry Theater, AKA Greenville Short Track Series makes its portentuous debut tomorrow evening near the bucolic campus of Furman University. This event is sponsored by Hawley account Carolina Triathlon so one only feels somewhat obligated to post it. One can only hope Brado makes it out there for documentation (*nudge*) Information is below. Click on the Face Punch book and acquaint thyself:

I am not old enough nor is my back pained enough nor do I feel regal enough to ride in an upright position (see “dignity, lack of” in previous paragraph) but if I did, we just received in our hallowed halls today the new 17 DEGREE RISE Zipp Service Course SL Stem (ST321742). Coming to a 55+ Cat 4 summer crit race near you. Behold the wonders of technology…