Hey ya’ll, they caught that knucklehead in the black Acura who ran those two dudes off the road (the one with the handlebar cam). When authorities found him, he was holed up in a hotel surrounded by drugs and heroin. Is that how we’re livin’ Oakland??!

Bloggy’s tummy is on the fritz so please excuse the brevity of this post but it’s hard to blog when it feels like you just swallowed a hornet’s nest. The bicycle industry can be a cruel and tummy-destroying mistress even when there is much to discuss. Brantley (returns department) has asked Bloggy to ride with him after work. Usually these rides are sufferfests for the old timer as I let him roll around on the downhills then turn the screws on the long, slow climb on the return. However on today’s ride, I’ll have to mask this illness and my own suffering with long-winded tales about my imaginary cycling palmares. Basically, everything in Brantley’s conversational wheelhouse. Josh spied this motorized Big Dummy this weekend and as we are both in the throes of cargo/long bike lust, I felt compelled to post it:

“Woman for sale! Woman for sale! Ask me about financing!”

OK folks, Hawley updates are in order today. First of all, Jose (product manager) said he went to Inakaya for dinner Saturday and had the best soup of his life. Who eats soup when it’s 92 degrees? He is a mad man. Second, let’s give a big welcome back to two Hawley-ites who have returned to the fold (for the time being). Adam R., all seven feet two inches of him is back with our shipping department after a sabbatical to focus on scholarly pursuits that befit the social bearing of men of leisure and idleness. Our shelf ladder usage rate just dropped by 15 percent. In addition to “the Manute Bol of bicycle distribution” (Julie’s words), Teenwolf has come back from Italy to help with some inventorial logistic calibration issues and to re-invigorate the premises with his lupine intensity and unnecessarily short short socks. As luck would have it, Bloggy ran into Teenwolf and Tipper during a road ride Sunday afternoon. I don’t remember much except I was 7 miles from home and in the middle of a nasty bout with the cramps (the malady, not the glam trash garage band). I was composing an epitaph in my head for the tombstone that would be erected on Highway 6 when I saw two slack-jawed yokels in ballerina suits panhandling on a street corner… or that’s what I THOUGHT I saw. As I rolled closer, through my sweat encrusted eyelids I discerned the praying mantis-like form of Tipper and the (edit.) form of Teenwolf standing under a tree. I said “Afternoon gents! Had enough of this heat you lily-blossomed yarn kittens!?” after which I collapsed in a heap. Teenwolf was kind enough to offer me a gel. I greedily sucked the fetid goo down yet declined Tipper’s offer of a half-eaten BONK BREAKER. I HAVE MY DIGNITY GOOD SIR (it’s a quality product but Tipper germs scare me)! After I bid them adieu, I rode the 7 miles back to my hovel and collapsed into a pile of bone and dust. It was hot ya’ll, real hot. In hindsight, Adam’s previous day’s “leg shredder” with Teenwolf may have been the better option but when you’re as busy as Bloggy and at the beck and call of an irritable parole officer, you ride when you can, not when you want or when the confederate ghost who lives in your garage allows you. Take note: the gel pack that alleviated my leg cramps was Accelerade’s ACCEL-GEL (FOOD8055). To be honest, I’d never tried ACCEL-GEL but Teenwolf swears by them and wouldn’t you know it, one measly pack gave Bloggy the leg power to get back home in one piece.By the way, I saw this polar bear during the ride and almost wet my bibs (in excitement):

Not sure if this bit of track cycling-related investment got any coverage but if it’s in the Times, it’s probably worth taking a cursory glance at even if you can’t stand their scandalous muckraking. After you read it, compose a short story about a rag tag group of infantry soldiers coming to grips with the horrors of war in a steamy Vietnam jungle. Inspiration should be derived from product manager Patrick’s burgeoning Mekong Delta recreation taking form above his desk. You have 1 hour…

El Jefe brought these antediluvian remnants into the marketing department today. The paper-thin, poly-cotton material and dynamic color schemes literally sell themselves. I can’t do the anecdote justice but next time you see outside sales rep Tony Wagster in your shop, ask him about the time he got a sack full of 500 cycling caps stolen from his car in Atlanta and the subsequent search for the caps during the earliest days of Hawley. Have a frank and productive weekend…

 

Our right honorable mayor is hosting a bicycle ride/historic tour this Saturday. No idea what sites will be on the route but there are plenty of unusual old houses in Columbia that have deep, dark secrets that could bear a closer inspection upon two wheels rather than speeding by in a car. Judging by the map, I think they’ll be passing the pharmacy where Brantley buys his osteoporosis nerve tonic and memory enhancer suppositories. That’s right, he’s super-crazy-old and he’ll shiv you just to prove it. This is a great time to meet some influential local pol’s and get a taste of first person bicycle advocacy. There’s also a tricycle ride with councilwoman Gergel if you’re looking to TRI something different. Hope to see you there…

 

Adam does it again…

The first year I did the Tour De Midlands ride, I signed up for the century out of sheer stupidity. I ended up with an older gentleman who promptly led us astray and tacked on 12 extra miles to our ride. Actually, I think the navigation error was my fault but time has terraformed those mistakes and smoothed over any feelings of guilt I had for  putting a damper on that dude’s ride (edit. yes, I have seen him around and yes, he has tried to stab with a knife when I am not looking. Thankfully I am agile). The following year, Jose and I signed up for the metric century and it turned into a ride of survival for us as the temperatures climbed and the grim specter of leg cramp loomed over my riding partner. The bit between his teeth and the rivet firmly lodged in a place most unpleasant, Jose rode us home and into the history books (specifically a history book called “Worst Metric Century Performances, A How-To”. This year, it appears Jose is tackling the Tour De Cure (an equally admirable charity ride) while Bloggy will probably be out of town engaged in something unspeakably awful. With that in mind, this is the perfect year to ride the Tour De Midlands (on May 12) without fear of being “pwned” by a green Rock Lobster with nasty old cross tires and pink water bottles. Many thanks to our local bike shop friends Cycle Center, Outspokin, Summit and Bike To Nature. Acquaint thyself…

Adam, Jose and Bloggy shredded the gnar Saturday at Harbison State Forest for the sake of the gnar-gnar. My camera’s lens developed a mystery fog so my pics have that weird ethereal quality like we were riding in clouds or something. Anyhoo, laundry must be at a premium because the shorts Jose was rocking were easily pushing 20 years of existence. The night terrors Jose’s shorts gave me aside, the ride was quality and extremely enjoyable…

For those of you not paying attention, our former East Coast inside sales chief Doug is now our West Coast inside sales chief in bucolic Sparks, NV. For some reason, Doug found himself at Sea Otter. Minding his own business, he spotted an old friend… The THRUSTER! How ironic to see one of the nastiest hunks of bicycle ever made at the epicenter of shiny new bicycles and sparkly new parts. One can only guess it was at the (late edit) booth to make their (late edit) NOT look like the nastiest hunk of (late edit) ever made. Thanks Doug!

If you’re not doing anything critical to the safety and well-being of our planet the morning of May 17th, come join warehouse luminaries Yatch and J-Town at Hawley’s 4th annual Bike To Work Rally. Make sure to use the link to register. Post-ride urine samples will be required for all UCI-registered commuters.

 

Another successful Burrito Ride in the books with a special guest appearance made by our IT overlord Phil on his beloved Checker Pig! Phil did a lot of fancy riding like taking his hands off the bars and making sudden accelerations on the USC Horseshoe. Bloggy nodded his approval as we careened through downtown, riding burrito highs laced with S’mores cookies. Tony had his GoPro recording which almost caught Bloggy telling an especially horrifying Neal Hamburger joke about Michael Jackson. It really is terrible so make sure you ask me to recite it for you next time you see me. If I can make it through the entire joke, you get free shipping on your orders for LIFE. See everybody next week. Have a frank and productive Saturday and Sunday.

OK, let’s cut to the chase. Not sure what to get that cyclist who has everything, yet hates everything too? Bloggy suggests two new products that just arrived. First, FSA’s polycarbonate headset spacers. Made from the finest quality bisphenal A and phosgene COCI2 with an insouciant hint of diphenoxide, these sub 1 gram spacers will make your bike the “pope of chili town” but hold up under the most brutal of headset/steering conditions. Polycarbonates are impact and scratch resistant (hence their use in sunglasses lens and cyborg retinas). In accordance with Matt’s (FSA product manager) penchant for tie dye mind expansion and shelves and shelves of Grateful Dead bootleg tapes, we’re carrying orange, red, pink, blue, green, clear (!), grey, white and the always popular black. Widths come in a 5 and 10 millimeter. Sorry, no 2.5 widths. Matt hates decimal points like Phil Lesh hates good hygiene.

Now that you’ve got an idea what the well heeled cyclist is spacing his cockpit with, it’s time to see how he’s lubing his parts. PHIL WOOD waterproof grease!!! It’s the grease you’ve come to love only in the newly improved “fat tub” size (22.5 delicious ounces). Don’t let the garish and over the top labeling and packaging fool you, this grease is all business when it comes to keeping your BB creak-free. Every order over 500 dollars gets a personalized voice mail from Patrick (Phil Wood PM) explaining the joys of Volvo ownership…

I’ve seen mid-70s Ingmar Bergman films with faster expositions (“Scenes From a Marriage” anybody?), but it’s an intriguing if not entertaining account of some bandit racin’ through lipstick city by the guys who raced an airplane during Carmageddon….

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