Continuing this year’s “Signs Of An Impending Apocalypse You May Have Missed”, we present sign #24, Andy Hale (Storck Mouthpiece, Office Pest) riding into work, on a Storck no less! Andy now qualifies for the Hawley Company’s commuter reimbursement program as well as package stimulation (i.e. stimulus package) from an unlucky member of our shipping crew; Haz-mat suit and cyanide pills are not provided. Apart from Andy riding, perhaps more disturbing was the early nineties Euro-techno blasting from his headphones. Who rides to techno??? Who dances to techno??? This guy:

Nokon cables! Fizik saddle! Sram Force! Mavic wheels! Techno!

Belongs to Brittany (quality control)! Technically, this bike was driven in but it shall be used for commuting in the near future. Andy insisted on switching out the headset. Ugh, the guy tries the Blog’s patience…

Belongs to Derrick “D-Rod”, “The Pride of South Congaree”, “Sweet Sonny Sixpence”, “The Roger Ailes of Inside Sales” Boatwright. Derrick has been a commuting dynamo this summer but for some strange reason (geomancy, plain and simple) his trusty Storck has alluded the hallowed halls of the Hawley Blog. I could’ve used “Hootenanny” instead of “Blog” to drive that alliteration home, but as we all know, discretion is the better part of valor when it comes to alliteration. Have we learned nothing from Tiananmen Square??? You know, with the tank and the guy standing in front of it reciting W.H. Auden’s “The Age of Anxiety”? Back to the issue at hand. I’ll try and be as detailed as possible. Derrick’s lovely Storck is made of carbon fiber and comes with two wheels. It has a saddle for sitting upon and pedals for velocitizing. The Sram handlebar tape is edible. Derrick prefers black cherry. Often times, Derrick can be seen breaking off a hunk of tape, popping it into his mouth and whistling a happy tune, perhaps about Gator Claus… TROY?!?!?! It’s a nice looking Storck but the blog has to raise an eyebrow at that Sigma headlight. That is SO Fall 2007….

Sram Red levers match hubs, handlebar, seatpost and brake pads. But do they match Colin’s sleeveless turtleneck???
Zipp cranks and pedals we don’t sell. They rhyme with Pee’d Play
The cockpit, where all the action happens. Theres that Sigma light! Notice the handlebar tape…
Fizik saddle and matching bag. If you buy a Storck, we throw in a Fizik, free of contamination or disease.
The Storck waits patiently outside for Derrick to leave work.
See there, got through an entire blog post without mentioning those scandalous chili dogs next door! If I opened a chili dog shack, I would call it “Just Chilin’!” or “Free Money Inside!” (to get the consumer’s attention)

Signs of the apocalypse come in all shapes and sizes. Seven seals perhaps or four guys on horses riding around doing naughty things. Pestilence? Global War? General acceptance of bib shorts worn on top of jerseys? All of these most definitely portend the end of the world, but we have a new one to add to the list: Troy Whelan (inside sales. AKA The Cajun Assassin and the pride of McNeese St.) commuted into work on his Storck! To be fair, Troy rode in several months ago during bike to work week. Since then, a merciless campaign of trash talking has been waged against Troy in an attempt to get him back on his bike and riding to work. Our verbal harangues must’ve penetrated his thick alligator-skin because as the blog strolled into the office this morning, there was Troy in a riding kit next to his trusty steed! First thought was “There were so many things I wanted to do before I died! I bet it’ll be an asteroid”. Second thought was “I have a nasty head cold. If I make it to the afterlife, will I have this stupid head cold for eternity? Surely there’s a pharmacy up there. What if there isn’t? Then what? Seems kinda unfair. I shall need to research this before the asteroid wipes us out, but first, a delicious Clif Bar for breakfast” Third thought was “Good for Troy! Good for the blog as well as it is easy pickin’ for today’s post!”

15.something pounds
Zipp cranks and red spoke nipples
Selle Italia, where the “magic” happens

You may recall, if you read this blog with religious dedication (“dedication”, it’s what you lazy slug of a landless serf’s sheep turd may only dream of as you wile away the hours in your dial-up internet shanty… you share with six others) that Will “The G” (warehouse wunderkind) first began his long commutes to work on a Litespeed road bike. Well, those days are gone, long gone. “He bought an auto-coach of some variety? Surely a Levasser two stroke!” you may ask. Not even close you blathering spatherdab! It seems Master Will, at the suggestion of an anonymous benefactor, telegraphed the good folk (“folk”, a polite way of referring to the cycling riffraff who ply their trade in the Vulcanic arts, conjuring fire and alchemizing metal in deference to a Roman god or two) at Van Dessel and said “Look here! I need a cross frame and I need it within a fortnight. If you can have it hear any earlier, I’ll increase your fee by a shiny nickel and decrease the number of times my maple walking stick cracks your backside! I await your reply!” Less than a fortnight later, the Hole Shot (use your imagination, cretin) arrived by post and there was much rejoicing. A few well-placed employee purchases and Will had a cross-commuter fit for a king… or queen. Good luck with your surgery next week Will!

Notice the Planet Bike SPOK headlight!
Sram handlebar plugs and Truvativ crankset. Does it get any better?

Vulcan asks the Van Dessel workshop to “work harder” and “always dress for safety”

…belongs to “Gentleman” Jim Snyder. Jim has had two other commuters listed on the blog so hopefully with this third installment, Jim will stop pestering me with an endless list of demands such as “Why am I not on the blog? Put me on the blog!”, “The blog would be better if it included a color-coded list of my likes and dislikes pertaining to scented bath oils and soaps”, “Show more Jim and how he talks about himself in the third person. Jim is displeased with you”, etc, etc. Back to the bike at hand, Jim offers up his Jamis Komodo. It’s a 1999 frame so it’ll be celebrating its 10th anniversary in the near future. We’re throwing it a party with balloons and soda pop. No invite necessary, just show up at Jim’s house next Sunday around 3:00 AM. The lights won’t be on because it’s a SURPRISE party! You’ll have to jimmy the door open and disable the alarm (the code is [late edit]). Help yourself to the contents of the fridge and try not to flush the toilet as the Snyders are big-time water conservationists. In fact, if you need to go, just use the fire place. Jim does it all the time…

Disconcerting saddle height. Jim was born without a torso, just legs attached to shoulders and a neck

The vintage cockpit

…belongs to El Hefe, the Big Boss Man, Numero Uno, Steve Hawley (the man not the myth). This is a 93 cm Soma Cross frame (originally built for Manute Bol) with matching Vicious CX fork. Every part on this bike came from the warehouse, but we’re still awaiting payment on this puppy as Steve’s “in lieu of payment” offerings of a) magic beans b) a healthy milking cow c) a 2005 Next full suspension mountain bike with speed wheels purchased from Craigslist were VIGOROUSLY rebuffed by our accounting department. But seriously people (with a nod of the hat to Man Bear Pig), Steve commutes into work on this puppy. It’s not going to win any criteriums, but it’s made for the ritual abuse of gnarled Lexington roads and the merciless weather of the deep South.

The cockpit, where the “magic happens”, is equipped with Thomson stem, Cateye computer, Ritchey bar, Paul Levers and Cane Creek headset!

Campy Proton wheels, Schwalbe Marathon tires, Truvativ cranks, Planet Bike rear light and WTB saddle make this the most diverse and possibly most schizophrenic bicycle ever assembled!

… belongs to Gabe (inside sales). Gabe is the newest addition to the Hawley family. A veritable newborn infant within the sales department, Gabe comes to us from Florida. Primarily known for beaches, a Nascar race, a couple botched presidential elections, the worst named sports franchise in history and the fictional setting for “Golden Girls”, it is NOW known for its tenacious bicycle commuters. Gabe lives 20+ miles away, doesn’t know his way in Columbia, doesn’t own a road bike and lives off of one of the scarier roads in town. That being said, Gabe threw the gauntlet down and jumped into the commuting fire (how about that mixed metaphor). Oh yeah, it was raining cats and dogs.

…Belongs to Colin (Inside Sales).

“Well she’s a 2005 Lil’ Rascal FR. It’s built for bigger hits with 33mm
up front and 115mm in the rear. The Fox Float R holds up the rear and
creates a great pedaling platform on the climbs. Ape hangers in the
front to get you back for descending and a setback seat post to get your
hips out for those hard corners. The BB is a little low, but I’m willing
to sacrifice clearance for the low CG. Kenda 12″x2.125′s keep the power
to the ground.”
(from “Throat Singers of Tibet; A Comprehensive History” by Colin Tice)

… Belongs to Chad from shipping. A relative newcomer to the Hawley commuter scene, Chad’s boyish good looks, devil may care-anything goes attitude and flagrant use of platform pedals has quickly catapulted him into the upper echelons of the commuter hierarchy. Simply put, if Greg LeMond and that chick who played drums for Heart had a child, then he would be something like Chad on a bicycle: Strong, aggressive, relentless, uncompromising and with a steady kick drum beat and a penchant for hard-livin’. The office nitwits are trying to convince Chad to drop the platforms and buy some clipless pedals but he stubbornly refuses to forsake his platform roots. And although I also want Chad to ditch the platforms, you have to respect a man with principals. Horrible, horrible, backward principals.

Chad’s Orbea:
Oooh, carbon stays:
Please talk some sense into this whipper snapper! (buy Wellgos, it makes Dave smile)
Chad drinks rocket fuel every morning. Do you?