Goldilocks

I woke up this morning from a fevered, psychotomimetic dream and even though the thermometer read 73 degrees, my feet were cold, like an ice cold corpse sitting inside an ice cream truck. I assumed I was having a heart attack but after a few seconds, my feet warmed up and I told the EMT on the other line “false alarm”. I took out my trusty and dog-eared “Field Guide To Human Ailments” and flipped to the section entitled “Cheating Death and Other Myths” and found a useful page for an emergency we’re all too familiar with:

With that bit of unpleasantness out of the way, I can begin this blog post properly and direct the reader’s undivided attention back to our newest lock vendor, Abus (inventor of the U Lock). Not only are they from Germany and therefore efficient, motivated and well-dressed, but their locks have a funny habit of winning design awards. For example, the Bordo 6000 is the size of a Whatchamacallit candy bar yet expands to a fairly sturdy bike lock with relative ease. It’s steel so no tossing it towards strangers’ faces or groins. Apparently they’re somewhat impregnable but in all honesty, Bloggy hasn’t had a chance to test it on the mean streets of Columbia. Behold the newest lock in our collection, plebian:

So let’s have a big hand for the Bordo. It comes in different sizes and colors, although we only have black in stock (for the time being). While Sandy was in Germany, she was kind enough to take a few snaps for us. According to her, the ABUS headquarters is a product manager wonderland. For example, leisure time activities dot their sprawling campus. Ping pong, mini indoor soccer courts, bocci pits and Thunderdome death cages are a common sight. Sandy was most impressed by their miniature golf course! She played six holes and lost forty eight thousand dollars. Scared money don’t make none…

The bucolic splendor and imposing facade of Mothership Abus.

Abus representatives demonstrated the various implements of torture they use to extract information from competitor sales reps. Just kidding, that’s their “self-amputation”/”self defense” station for workers who are bitten by a zombie and need to remove the offending appendage before the zombie infection spreads throughout their body (using “Evil Dead” rules) or need to kill a worker who has turned into a zombie. Everyday fare for us Southerners. Kill or be killed.

According to Abus,a bicycle lock starts as an egg (laid by a stable of local mall Santas) and is kept warm in their lockubators until they hatch into adult locks. Below, a lockubator is shown in use. Look how hungry the baby U-Lock is! The lock’s strength is equal to 1094 Leonard Nimoys (measure in Nm).

After Sandy grew tired of lockubators and zombies, she was taken to Love Bridge. As Sandy explained, you bring or buy a lock with you and your inamorata’s name etched onto its side. You lock the lock on the bridge, step back, make a wish and then toss the key into the river. I try to keep this blog sentiment-free but Sandy is a pretty awesome person and her obvious love for her husband brought a little life back to the blackened, dormant organ that occupies space in Bloggy’s chest cavity.

Before Sandy left Mothership Abus, she made sure to visit their cafeteria and sample some of their home cooking. Although it looks pretty wacky to us Americans, the gothic employee cafeteria is fairly commonplace in Germany and is meant to create a warm and inviting atmosphere to visitors. Patrick is the next Hawley product manager to travel to Germany so we can’t wait to see what employee cafeterias he’ll visit and what soccer riots he’ll instigate. Here’s to hooliganism!

 

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