Limp Biscuit

“And Cullinan is pedalin’ with fury!” Straight baller.

Yesterday’s commute into work was slow going. A nasty headwind and a general lack of enthusiasm for everything (known as Gilbertgrapeitism) were weighing me down. My commuter danger points were low and my riding was perfunctory if not mindless. Luckily on Platt Springs, a FORD F-150 (+4.3) helped remedy that. We pulled up to the light next to each other. We both rolled out together on the green and after 15 feet (the F-150 was going quite slow), I noticed a presence in my bike lane.  It was the F-150! He was slowly, but with the grim obstinacy of an out of control luxury liner, barging into my lane. I calmly applied a little brake and steered closer to the right hand side as the F-150 rumbled down Platt Springs. I looked at the rear window and saw a familiar sight to those of us in the dirtiest part of the South. I call it the Carolina Hand Puppet (+1.1).  Basically, it’s a driver with their arm propped up or resting with a biscuit of some sort in their grasp. Silhouetted, it looks eerily similar to a hand puppet, or sock puppet if you so desire. In all seriousness, I am passed by at least three drivers a month who are consuming their biscuit in this fashion and it gives me the willies. I feel no malice towards them. In fact, I envy them. I too would like to eat biscuits on my way to work, but I have a little something called “dignity”. That’s a lie. What little dignity I have left was left on the grass at Hendersonville CX last year, but if I had dignity, I would wait till I got to work and wolf down my bacon, egg and cheese behind the dumpster like a feral, boomerang flinging child. Then I would hiss at my coworkers and grab random objects at hand screaming “mine! mine!” I drew a rough approximation of the Carolina Hand Puppet:

Carolina Hand Puppetry Theater, AKA Greenville Short Track Series makes its portentuous debut tomorrow evening near the bucolic campus of Furman University. This event is sponsored by Hawley account Carolina Triathlon so one only feels somewhat obligated to post it. One can only hope Brado makes it out there for documentation (*nudge*) Information is below. Click on the Face Punch book and acquaint thyself:

I am not old enough nor is my back pained enough nor do I feel regal enough to ride in an upright position (see “dignity, lack of” in previous paragraph) but if I did, we just received in our hallowed halls today the new 17 DEGREE RISE Zipp Service Course SL Stem (ST321742). Coming to a 55+ Cat 4 summer crit race near you. Behold the wonders of technology…


One comment