Economical Commuter Seeks Sassypants Rider For Fun Times And More?

This week’s “Commuter Bike of the Week” belongs to longtime Hawley employee, Cliff Gelbarshot.

Cliff has been working in the shipping department for 24 years. A native of Belmopan, Belize, Cliff came to the US in 1981 with his wife and two children. After a short stint as a sales rep with a plucky bicycle parts company called Tektro, he traded in his sales cap for the sweat-soaked butcher’s apron of the shipping department of Hawley. From 1987 to 2001, Cliff was the sole shipping department employee, picking, packing and shipping 412 orders a day, 21 hours a day, seven days a week. He ate packing tape for breakfast and pooped out shipping invoices. He was more machine than man, hell bent on destroying an enemy, an enemy that lived within his warehouse dust-soaked brain. This is a minor, mere trifling detail but Cliff is totally blind and hasn’t spoken a word since 1985, after watching “Goonies” whacked out on cold medicine. After Cliff’s reliable 1991 Honda Civic burst into flames two weeks ago, he traded the 4 wheels of the motorcoach for the two wheels of a bicycle. Being a frugal fellow, Cliff wanted the most bang for very little buck. Here is his build wishlist:

White Pake track frame, 57 cm (56 cm top tube), matching straight blade fork, Dia Compe front caliper brake (broccoli), IRD threadless headset (broccoli), Sram 48 tooth Courier crankset, beatdown XTR pedals, thrashed Sta Tru wheels, Cane Creek brake levers, beyond thrashed SLR gel flow saddle, worn-down-like-the-Appalachians Sram rear brake, busted-up ACS freewheel, sample post, stem and handlebar from a factory in Taiwan that even Cannondale won’t buy from and the ubiquitous pink Bike Ribbon saddle that smells like goblin afterbirth. Nobody said this is a lightweight build, but it is surprisingly very comfortable… according to Cliff’s frantic hand gestures and pantomiming. Cliff peeled the PAKE decal off so does ANYBODY have any suggestions on what to name this rolling concoction? Cliff prefers a “foreign” name, but English is fine as long as it’s not completely filthy, like “Diarrhea Perlman” or “The Lohan”.

Up close gander at the Dia Compe and IRD combination. Green is a bonny color and needs to be on more bicycles…

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