Subway: Come For The Food, Stay For The Mild Irritation

Huzzah gentle reader! Tuesday has arrived like a swarm of locusts, sweeping into this week like a scourge, decimating within seconds what has perhaps taken a lifetime to create, taking what was once fertile and making fallow, what was once brimming with life, a hollow wasteland of endless shadows haunted by the grim specter of death! So did anybody else get stuck at the Subway off of Highway 6 this afternoon? Standing in line with coworker Joshie, my tummy already twisting itself into a food deprived pretzel, a woman, who must’ve parked her spaceship in the back as I didn’t see it in the parking lot, was arguing over what amounted to a 90 cent overcharge on her Subway gift card. I looked at the other 12 people in line behind this nitwit and assumed we were all on the same page: Grab this “person”, roll them up in a carpet, load “it” back into its spaceship and send it back to whatever galaxy it was from. Sadly, those mush-mouthed sad sacks didn’t translate my raised eyebrow and subtle hand gestures for “Swarm! Swarm!” and we all stood in line as the Subway attendant and the slack-jawed extraterrestrial debated the merits of a currency based economy and whether we should all scrap it for Thunderdome-styled bartering. As I began composing various bawdy limericks to be chiseled upon my tombstone, as I knew I would die of old age in this Subway before the gift card discrepancy was resolved, reason reigned supreme and the 90 cents was added back to the gift card after a plucky sandwich maker was able to hack into the federal reserve’s mainframe. Is there anything the movie “Sneakers” DIDN’T teach us about plucky resolve?

Speaking of “people” with plucky resolves and an unhealthy distrust of unnecessary quotations, Purchasing dynamo/sluggard Patrick Augustine sent The Blog these awesome velodrome-inspired fashion stylings from GQ. The good news? Capes are the new black for 2010. The bad news? RAGNAROK!!!

By the way, just in case you’ve been living under a bridge, scaring small children like some common troll/Patrick Augustine, Hawley is the first distributor to get the new Polar Bottle designs for 2010. Originally named, The Barkley, The Jordan, The Bird, The Johnson, The Malone, The Drexler, The Ewing and The Pippen, Polar has since renamed them Rave, Manga Bear, Rose, Liquid Motion, Techno Tiles, Gizmo, Big Bear and Murray Schulman (AKA “Platinum”) after their “Remember The 1992 USA Dream Team” campaign was scrapped for the “Let’s Not Do Anything Outlandish” campaign, which should be EVERYBODY’s campaign for 2010….

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